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Maya Fowler

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Incense for some, while others are incensed: A Hayibo tribute

Perfume, deodorant and bath product sales have reached an all-time low in Cape Town, forcing Unilever to withdraw from the province and various outlets of Dischem into liquidation.

Researchers in anthropology and gender studies at the University of Cape Town released a report this week clearing up the mystery.

“Urban women have decided to abandon personal hygiene routines due to the Western Cape microclimate, in which dense banks of tobacco smoke surround office blocks,” says UCT’s Aymisa Rose. “Our research shows women fall into three camps: The despondent, who have simply given up, the defiant, who wish to teach smokers a lesson, and smokers themselves. We have found that smokers have such severely damaged olfactory bulbs that they fail to notice the difference between a person who has taken a bath in the last three months and an old ram.”

The current climate has led to mass-emigration of non-smoking South African men to New South Wales, where female grooming and ablution has lately recovered, reaching unprecedented levels after the recent announcement of a public non-smoking ban in the state.

The queue outside of VFS Australian visa application in Strand Street this morning snaked all the way into Adderley Street. “Jissis, I hear the cherries in Oz are alright, hey,” said IT specialist Ivor Haddit.

Meanwhile, outside the ABSA centre today, our reporter managed to spot a lone woman in the fog. “I’ll fucken show ’em,” was her only comment. Another office worker on Thibault Square, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said it was a situation of adapt or die. “One day I realised that not even my Chanel EDP is powerful enough to endure through a cloud of Camel. I used to be frustrated, even angry, but ever since I’ve submitted to the allure of tobacco I’ve become much calmer.”

Her colleague Innocentia Adams agrees. “It’s not just in the city anymore. Just this morning I rolled out of bed and into my cargo pants and the minute I entered my own parking garage I was gratified. You see, there was a band of builders sitting in their bakkie down there, and the scent of their smoke caressed my skin and latched onto my hair, which fortunately I haven’t washed since New Year’s. I was so relieved I hadn’t taken a shower or wasted my Dolce & Gabbana.”

* Disclaimer, in case Unilever or Dischem plan to sue: This is a humorous piece with no basis whatsoever on financial records. And caution your coffee cup: Contents hot. 

 

Recent comments:

  • <a href="http://helenmoffett.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Helen</a>
    Helen
    January 13th, 2013 @17:50 #
     
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    I think we all need to write Hayibo tributes. As a form of garlanding the dear departed. One a week for the next year.

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  • <a href="http://mayafowler.book.co.za" rel="nofollow">Maya</a>
    Maya
    January 14th, 2013 @11:44 #
     
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    Indeed, Helen. Watch this space, I have another one coming up!

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